Not that I'm dwelling or anything...

"he said, ' my god, nothing around here works.'

well, at least he's right about love."

--The Avett Brother (About Love)

One of my professors at Warren Wilson College said during class once, "Probability being what it is, it turns out its infinitely easier to fuck things up than to fix them." Physicists call this entropy, ecologists would call this nature, I'm calling it life. Either way, there appears to be a general consensus on the tendancy for things to fall to shit.

Also, my father--either a man of few words or of verbose lectures, depending on when you reach him--provided me with only one piece of advice (maybe more, actually, I don't know...): "Don't fuck up." This piece of advice is offered to me a lot from him, as it has a wide application of use, and I appreciate it for being open-ended. I can do whatever I want so long as I don't fuck up. And yet, either due to my own short-comings or my young-adult stupidities, I failed to follow the only advice my dad ever gave me. Dang.

I fuck up all the time, I've realized, and usually I don't mind. Normally I relish the process of growing up, the surrendering shrug of being young and stupid and knowing that that probably wasn't the best thing to do, but how was I supposed to know? I'm just a dumb kid with no sense of perspective and only quasi-formed wisdom. But the screw up didn't matter that much in the long run, and then you get to learn something, which is the greatest part.

But my most recent fuck up has been no fun at all, and in fact has been the most painful of all fuck-ups ever, I think. Which hopefully means I'll learn something and learn it good--but right now I'm in despair and too busy agonizing to take anything positive from this. And it's all because this is the first of my fuck-ups that occurred at the expense of someone else. It's ok when I make a mistake, but when it involves dragging someone else into my mess, and results in the loss of someone I adore...that's terrible. And I'm having a tough time getting over it.

So lately I've been reading a bunch of Avett Brothers lyrics to try to help make me feel better. Yet, it really just serves to get depressing lyrics stuck in my head, e.g. "I have dreams but nothing to hope for..."

They have songs that pretty accurately, and certainly more melodically, express what I'm feeling towards him. I wish I could send in a poem and get into this boy's head how sorry I realy am and how sincere I am in wanting to make it all better, or at least to talk it out so he's not thinking things that aren't true. But I'm convinced he'd be singing along to another one of their songs entirely:

"So bye, bye, bye, bye. I ain't got time to watch you cry,

'cause I've been drinking seven hours now.

Sympathy is a waste of my high."

Ouch. I'm waving the white flag on this one, he won. This fuck up really hurts.